# Post Jokes Here!!!



## Bushkey

That is funny.:set1_rolf2:


What do you call a guy that sexually molest Chikens.........Hendrik.

I have a friend called Hendrik Hannekom, I wonder if that is a coincidence:biggrin1:


----------



## Matatazela

Hahaha! that's the spirit!

An elderly man in Mkuze had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large dam near the N3, fixed up nice; picnic tables, jukskeibane, and some apple trees.The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. 
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over. 
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some apples. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women form a tour-bus skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. 
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" 
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." 
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile..." 


Moral of the story: Old men can still think fast.


----------



## Matatazela

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The Lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in Bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture And replied, 

"Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had A prescription."


----------



## Invictus

A police officer pulls a blond over for speeding and asks her very nice if he could see her license.She replied in a huff " I wish you guys would get your act together,just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


----------



## INGOZI

This grissled old man sits at a bar counter when he overhears two other hunters talking about the worst pain that they have had to endure. After some exchanging of stories the one young chap asks the old chap sitting at the end of the bar: "Well old timer, it seems that you have had a long and interesting life, tell us what has been the worst pain that you have had to endure?"

The old hunter puts down his beer and turns to face the two chaps and after clearing his throat says: "Well, the near worst pain that I have ever felt was one cold morning in the woods", spellbound the two guys listen, "I was checking old bear traps that I had set the day before, when I decided to sit down and catch my breath, I had forgotten where I had placed all the traps and when my arse touched the ground one of the damned contraptions slammed shut on my testicles!"

Utterly horrified at the mear thought the one chap exclaims: "If that is the is the second worst thing you've had to endure, what the hell was the worst!?!"

The old timer takes a yug of his beer before saying: "When that was when I reached the end of the chain......"

Enjoy boys!

Engee


----------



## Gerhard

*Proudly South African!!!*

YOU ARE PROUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN WHEN:

You call a bathing suit a "swimming costume".

You call a traffic light a "robot". 

You call an elevator a "lift"

You call a hood a "bonnet"

You call a trunk a "boot"

You call a pickup truck a "bakkie" 

You call a Barbeque a "Braai" 

The employees dance in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.

The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the programme you just finished watching. 

You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather.

You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you've never had any. 

You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them. 

You know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Mandela.

You go to braais regularly, where you eat boerewors and swim, sometimes simultaneously. 

You know that there's nothing to do in the Orange Free State .

You produce a R100 note instead of your driver's licence when stopped by a traffic officer. 

You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement.

You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car.

When you are a victim of crime and say: "At least I'm still alive". 

You know a taxi can move twice it's certified number of people in one trip. 

You travel 100's of kilometres to see snow. 

You know the rules of Rugby better than any referee 

To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750.

More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election. 

People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocenct, Justice, Wiseman, Conflict, Germany, Psychology, Given, Patience, Portion and Coronation. The full name of a person appearing in the criminal courts in Durban in about 1987 was Handsome Bushman Spotlight Mkhize.

"Now now" or "just now" can mean anything from a minute to a month. 

You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way for taxis travelling in the opposite direction. 

Travelling at 120 km/h you're the slowest vehicle on the highway/freeway.

You're genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car parked where you left it.

A bullet train is being introduced, but we can't fix potholes. 

The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday. 

You paint your car's registration on the roof.

You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a government hospital. 

You have to prove that you don't need a loan to get one.

Prisoners go on strike.

You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.

You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once. 

Ruwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high. 
You consider a high crime rate as normal. 

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from SA.
VIVA !!!!!


Gerhard


----------



## Gerhard

*This will make you smile*

Reason not to flirt 

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. 

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping A little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?' He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening. 'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life!':mg::mg::wink:

Gerhard


----------



## Gerhard

*Blond Joke.*

A Blondie walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.


The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blond assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.


"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."

"But, I always buy it here," says the blond.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes," said the blond, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the Pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blond snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container .......



"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."


----------



## Gerhard

*Wife 1st Hunt*

After years of nagging, the wife was finally going deer hunting with her husband. 
"I'll drop you off here at the stand and go park the jeep. Don't leave or do anything til I get back." instructed her husband. 
He moved the jeep several hundred yards from the stand and was preparing to walk back when he heard a shot. Walking briskly, he could hear a heated argument between his wife and a man. 
"It's my deer, I shot it!" he heard his wife shouting. 
The man's voice kept insisting "Lady, that's not your deer!" 
The husband began walking faster as the argument grew louder and more heated. As he approached, the weary voice of the man was heard to say in defeat "OK lady, it's YOUR deer. Just let me get the saddle off.":wink:


----------



## Matatazela

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:




29 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad cheques

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

373 in total or approximately 70%

Can you guess which organization this is?




Give up yet?




its the 535 members of the SOUTH AFRICAN PARLIAMENT -


----------



## Matatazela

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu... 


Broiled Missionary: $10.00 - 
Fried Explorer: $15.00 -
Grilled Republican: $100.00 - 
Baked Democrat: $100.00..

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,

'Why such a price difference for the Politicians?' 

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?

They're so full of s**t, it takes all morning."


----------



## Matatazela

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"


Kindergarden teacher: "To get to the other side."


Jan F.E. Celliers: "Dis die hoender, dis die pad, dis al."


Eugene Terblanche : "Die hoender is die Afrikanervolk se erfenis. So ook die pad. En niemand moet dit waag om ons daarvan te beroof !"


Nataniel:"Ek was vreeslik op my nerves vir sy part tot hy anderkant gekom het. Ek dink dit was stunning!"

Naas Botha: "Aan die einde van die dag maak dit nie saak hoeveel keer hy oor die straat is nie. Wat saak maak, is die telbord."

Nelson Mandela:"It was his long walk to freedom. A true Rainbow chicken."

Pieter-Dirk Uys:"Was dit 'n he-chicken or a she-chicken?" Does it Pik?

Allan Boesak: "How can the motives of a chicken who had done so much for chickenhood be questioned? It must have 'struggled' to cross the road."

Dullah Omar: "I am sure the chicken is innocent. He did what he did because of the apartheid legacy."

N'conde Balfour: "The government will ensure that a fair quota of black chickens cross the road as well. Why should black chickens remain on this side of the road? I only watch black chickens crossing the road anyway..."

Trevor Manuel : "Makes me think: We don't tax chickens crossing roads yet...."

Tony Leon: "No matter where the chicken goes, we have the guts to fight back."

Van Schalkwyk: "Let's join the chicken and cross the road!"

Desmond Tutu: "We should have crossed the road with him. Together we will make a difference."

Thabo Mbeki: "I don't really have an opinion about this...."

Mark Shuttleworth : "I would have paid a million to see the chicken cross the road!" (or to take one to Mars with me..)

Mugabe:"Stop that chicken! It must be repossessed together with the farm it belongs to. And the farm opposite the road where it was going to. And all the chickens on both farms. Repossess it all. And it's nobody's business what I do in my country. It is the British's fault for bringing chickens here anyway."


----------



## Gerhard

*Joburg Traffic*

Johannesburg Driving Ethics 

1. Turning signals will give away your next move. A real Johannesburg driver never uses them. 

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill that space, putting you n an even more dangerous situation. 

3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow." 

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. 

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose. 

6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs. 

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour. 

8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Johannesburg. 

9. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. 

10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers. 

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Johannesburg is the home of High- Speed Slalom Driving thanks to the Department of Roadworks, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. 

12. It is traditional in Johannesburg to honk your horn at cars that 
don't move the instant the light changes. 

13. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way. 

14. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. 

15. Remember that the goal of every Johannesburg driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary. 

16. Real Johannesburg women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic. 

17. Real Johannesburg men drivers can remove pantyhose and bra's at 75 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic. 

18. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales. 

19. There is a common held belief in Johannesburg that high speed 
tail-gating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get 
sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front. 

20. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because they have brakes. 

21. It is an essential duty of the driver to preserve the life of his 
passengers. Hence no matter how much of an inconvenience it may be, always find a detour around Soweto, Alexandria, Sebokeng and Brixton. 

22. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street. 

23. It's O.K when driving in Johannesburg's South Eastern suburbs to air our grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while screaming out "arsehole" . But it is imperative you are driving at least a 5 litre V8 with a crowbar in your lap.

Gerhard


----------



## nimrod-100

Sherlock Holmes and Mr. Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down
in their tent for the night and went to sleep. 
Some hours later,
Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions
of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo.
Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a
quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and
that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow".
"Is that all?" Holmes asked.
"Yes." Watson replied. "Why, am I missing something?"
Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke softly:
"Watson, you dickhead. Someone has stolen the f***ing
tent."


----------



## nimrod-100

*Risk of predicting the weather*

The risk of predicting the weather
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2
days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....
True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's
that 8 inches [20 cms] you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!


----------



## nimrod-100




----------



## Gerhard

STUN GUN (Only a guy would do this and I can picture several men
- I'm related to them by blood and marriage, doing this.)


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted
this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. 



I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. 



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? 


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way! What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... 


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it master,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad,.I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it again!' 


Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock. 


P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid!


----------



## Karoojager

A man an his wife went to a doctor because of their sexual life. 
“Doctor, we are helpless. My wife does not get an orgasm when we have sex!” 
Advice of the doctor: 
“The reason might be that your wife does not get enough oxygen! 
Maybe you should fan your wife fresh air during you have sex!” 
Good idea thought the man and both left the doctor. 
On their way home they met a black guy and the man had the idea to ask this 
black man if he is interested in earning 50 Bucks for a very simple job? 
“For sure I am”, answered the black man. 
Back home the man explained the black guy that the only thing he should do 
is to fan fresh air for his wife during they have sex. 
“Ok, no problem I will do”, he said. 
So the man and his wife stripped off their clothes and started their sex. 
After one hour the wife still hasn´t got an orgasm but the man was totally exhausted. 
Gasping for breath he told to the black guy: 
“Let´s change position. I will do the fan job and you go on with my wife.” 
Ok, no problem I will do”, said the black man. 
They changed position and only two minutes later the wife got an ultimative orgasm. 
Now the man screamed: 
You see *****, that´s the right way to fan air for my wife, that´s the way…..


----------



## Matatazela

*Keeping things light...*

:d


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

If we where the prey.....


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way
through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the
money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't 
believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with!
Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach
our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in 
that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him
into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. 
The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just
won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program 
that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to
READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get
him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the
money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
find
out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all 
excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read
something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking 
back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin'
around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a b*tch before he talks 
to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

That's Golfers for you !


Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer.

They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a f ull-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation."

He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.

Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

On Friday's drive home, Dave said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?"

Pat burst into tears. "I can't!"

"What? Why not?" asked Dave.

"Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!"

"What?!" Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.

"I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me."

"You b*****d!" Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating b*****! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

WHICH IS WORSE? 

True Story from Houston Medical Center 

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis. According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep. 

I don't know what's worse: 

1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married. 
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis. 
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.


----------



## INGOZI

My stomach hurts!!!!


----------



## Matatazela

INGOZI said:


> My stomach hurts!!!!


Laughter is excellent training for your core muscles!


----------



## Pardus

A robber broke into a house one night, and tied up the husband and wife. Then the robber bent down and kissed the wife on the ear. After a bit he got up and run to the bathroom. Then the husband turned to his wife and said, “let him do to u what he want or he’ll kill us. Be strong and I love u!” The wife turned to her husband and said 
“he didn’t kiss me on the ear, he told me he is gay and very horny, and wanted to know where the vaseline was. I told him in the bathroom .”

Arme OU!


----------



## Matatazela

*Zero Tollerance for Speedsters in KZN!!!*

:mg:


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed
with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the
bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get
the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled
pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and
who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck
is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."


----------



## Gerhard

Matatazela said:


> :mg:


Hey thats the new Dubai Trafic cameras!!!!

Gerhard


----------



## ASG

Jannie (6) & Pietie (4) were walking down the road when they find 10 bucks

Pietie says to Jannie "Jissie Jannie, what are we going to do with all that money? Buy chappies?"

Jannie says " No man. We're going to that house on the hill where your dad and my dad go every pay day"

Pietie asks " What happens in that house on the hill "

Jannie replies " I don't know but I overheard my brother telling his friend that you ring the bell and when the lady opens the door you must say that you want a naai. "

Little Jannie and Pietie get to the door, ring the bell and the lady opens the door. The boys hold out the 10 bucks and say in unison "Ons soek n naai tannie"

The madam of the establishment lets fly and klaps the two laaities so hard that their teeth are loose.

On the way home the two of them are crying crocodile tears and in a very small voice Pietie says to Jannie " Sniff, It's a good thing we didn't have 
20 bucks sniff."

Jannie asks " sniff Why?"

Pietie says " sniff, Otherwise that auntie would have naai'd us to death"


----------



## bowman africa

*Bike ad !!!*

For all you bikers out there - here is an ad for a bike in the auto trader.


----------



## Matatazela

*Family Problems can get very confusing*

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation...

A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter - that made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother... 

This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am mystepmother's brother-in-law. My wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and...

.. I AM MY OWN GRANDFATHER! - And you think you have family problems?"


----------



## bowman africa

*How to get a man to wash his hands....*

How do you get a man to wash his hands after taking a peee?


----------



## ciscokid

Ron was in trouble. 



He forgot his wedding anniversary. 



His wife was really angry. 



She told him, "tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds!! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ron got up early and left for work. 

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. 



Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. 



She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ron has been missing since Friday.


----------



## bowman africa

*Camping chair*

Pic of a very comfortable camping chair i bought last weekend....(not for the female species though)


----------



## Pardus

*How to Tell the Sex of a Fly*
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter."What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


----------



## Bushkey

Brief aan Pa

'n Pa loop verby sy seun se kamer en tot sy stomme verbasing sien hy die
bed
is netjies opgemaak en die kamer is aan die kant. Toe sien hy 'n koevert
op
die kussing. Dis gerig aan "Pa". Met beklemming om sy hart tel hy dit op,
skeur dit oop en lees die briefie:

Liewe Pa , dis met groot spyt en verdriet dat ek vir jou skryf. Ek moes
wegloop saam met my nuwe meisie omdat ek nie met jou en ma wou rusie maak
nie.

Ek en Santie het ware passie ontdek. Sy is so oulik. Ek weet julle keur
haar nie goed nie omdat daar so baie ringe deur haar lippe, neus, tong en
ander plekke is, en sy vyf jaar ouer as ek is. Maar dis nie net die
passie
nie, Pa. Sy is swanger.

Santie sê ons sal baie gelukkig wees. Sy het 'n woonwa wat iewers in 'n
bos
staan en daar is 'n hele hoop vuurmaakhout vir die winter. Ons wil sommer
nog baie kinders hê. Santie het my ook geleer dat dagga nie net sleg is
nie. Ons gaan sommer self 'n biedjie daarvan in die bos kweek en dit aan
ander mense in die kommune verkoop. Dan kan ons met daardie geld ander,
duurder drugs soos coke koop.

Intussen hoop ons dat die wetenskap 'n kuur vir vigs vind sodat Santie
gesond kan raak. Sy verdien dit! Moenie bekommerd wees nie, Pa. Ek is
darem al vyftien en kan na myself kyk. Ontspan, julle sal die
kleinkinders
wat nog kom geniet.


Met liefde

Jou seun

Johan

NS. Pa, niks hiervan is waar nie. Ek is by Gerhard. Ek wou Pa maar net
daaraan herinner daar is baie erger dinge in die lewe as 'n swak rapport.
Bel my wanneer dit veilig is on huis toe te kom!"


----------



## Bushkey

Age


----------



## Bushkey

Some more on age


----------



## INGOZI

Wat is die verskil tussen draadtrek en 'n speedtrap.......?


Niks, jy skrik ewe groot as jy gevang word!


----------



## Bushkey

Ek moes


----------



## Bushkey

Revenge 


A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a 
house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he 
wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the 
money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she 
told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the
girls have any diseases?" 
Of course the Madam said "No".

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots 
after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the 
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. 
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,
and headed out the door. 

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents 
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me 
because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will
then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad 
will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the
car and he'll catch the disease. 

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to
bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. 

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,
have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick that
ran over my frog.....


----------



## Bushkey

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up
Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got
caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked
the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." 

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And ifthe weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. 

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. 

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. 

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" 

"Yes, I do." Said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to getup in the middle of the night, go up to thehouse and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being foundout, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her yourname?"

"Bob's face turned beet red and he said,"Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?" 

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... youknow you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)


----------



## Bushkey

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING 
Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. 

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."


----------



## Bushkey

Priceless

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business 
function.

He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a 
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose! 

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and 
pressed.


Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, 
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. 

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring 
back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love 
you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,

"Son...what happened last night?" "Well! , you came home after 3 am, 
drunk and out of your mind.

You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black 
eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose 
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when 
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, 
b*tch, I'm married!!!".



Broken table - R585.26

Hot breakfast - R42.20

Red Rose bud - R35.00

Two aspirins - R8.00

Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless


----------



## Bushkey

An Indian couple both age 37, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished having the intercourse, the doctor said, 
"There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and charged 
them R70.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an 
appointment; have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then 
leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to 
find out?" The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go 
to my house. The Holiday Inn charges R225.

The Hilton charges R879.

We do it here for R70, and I get R65 back from Discovery medical Aid!"


----------



## Bushkey

25 ways to tell you are grown up


----------



## Bushkey

continue


----------



## Bushkey

THIS IS AN ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659-- >CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. 
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. 
She immediately moved to another seat. 
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. 
The man seemed more amused. 
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. 
The case came up in court. 
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. 
The man replied, Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. 
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. 
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. 
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. 
BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it. 

" CASE DISMISSED!!"


----------



## Bushkey

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006



John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" 
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! 
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. nd what was your toast?" 

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." 
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner .. 
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." 

--


----------



## Bushkey

The wife came home from work early and found her husband in theirBedroom making love to a
very attractive young woman.
Understandably, she was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" She cried. "How dare you do this to me, A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
Her husband replied, "Hang on just a minute luv, I can explain what happened.
" You can try", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home
And this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out 
And defenseless; that I took pity on her and let her into the car. 

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I
brought her home and warmed up the soup I made for you last night,
The soup that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured three bowls in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower, and while she was 
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw
them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans
that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they 
are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary
present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't 
use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair."

Then he took a quick breath and pressed on - "She was so grateful for my 
understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me
with tears in her eyes and said,

"Please ... Do you have anything else that your
wife doesn't use?"


----------



## Bushkey

Don't laugh!' Said the patient. 

'Of course I won't laugh,' the doctor said. 'I'm a professional. In 
over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." 

'Okay then,' and the patient proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing 
the tiniest willy the doctor had ever seen It couldn't have been 
bigger than the size of an AAA battery. 

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell 
laughing to the floor. 
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his 
composure. 

'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor.'I really am. I don't know what came 
over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't 
happen again. Now...what seems to be the problem?' 

'It's swollen,' the patient replied.


----------



## Bushkey

Jannie gaan na sy pa en gaan sit langs hom met so 'n bekommerde uitdrukking op sy gesig.
"Pa?", vra hy, "wat's 'n doos?" Pa proes in sy koffie.
"Man ou seun..." seg hy, terwyl hy die koffie uit sy skoot uit opvee, "gaan kyk daar in pa se hangkas dan bring jy daar vir my 'n Loslyf"
seg hy.
Jannie hol n kakspoed kamer toe en is spoedig terug met die betrokke glanstydskrif in die hand.
Sy pa loer so na hom uit die hoek van sy oog en sê "blaai daar na bladsy 32 toe".
Jannie maak so. Dis 'n foto van 'n dame in al haar glorie, met 2 sterretjies bo en 1 sterretjie onder, op die strategiese plekke. "Nou sien jy daai sterretjie daar onder?" vra pa. Jannie knik sy kop. "Nou die ou wat daai sterretjie daar gesit het, hy's 'n doos!"


----------



## Bushkey

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealandand orders a shandy. 
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another 
Australian visitor. 

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" 

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." 

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" 

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." 

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? 
do you drive a tixi?" 

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." 

The bartender grins and yells, 

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."


----------



## Bushkey

Sorry ek hoop nie ek iriteer julle ouens nie, Ek kry elke dag 'n kakhuis vol e-mails. Ek lees nou eers die grappie goed. Ek kyk eerder na die foto goedjies.


----------



## Bushkey

Vanoggend terwyl ek op die snelweg ry, kyk ek oor my skouer en sien 'n vrou hier langs my in 'n splinternuwe Polo, met haar gesig tot teenaan die tru-spieëltjie gedruk, besig om maskara aan te sit. Kan jy dit nou glo? Ek het net vir 'n paar sekondes weggekyk, maar toe ek my weer kon kry, is sy halfpad oor in my baan, nog steeds besig met haar bleddie maskara. 
Nou kyk, as 'n man, skrik ek nie maklik nie. Maar die vroumens het my so horries gegee dat ek skoon my elektriese skeermes laat val, wat op sy beurt die steak-en-kidney pastei uit my ander hand stamp. In die hele deurmekaarspul, terwyl ek die kar probeer stuur met my knieë, glip die selfoon toe weg van my oor af, val in die koffie tussen my bene, verbrand GrootSeun en die Tweeling, is die selfoon in sy [email protected] , mybroek papnat, EN het ek boonop 'n belangrike oproep verloor. 

Bleddie vroumens-bestuurders...


----------



## Bushkey

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED 

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58,
68, and 78? 



At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.



At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed. 




At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. 




At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.




At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed. 



At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story. 






At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!





At 78 -- What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?


----------



## Bushkey

Men strike back! 
How many men does it take to open a beer? 
None. It should be opened when she brings it. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? 
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Why do women have smaller feet than men? 
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows 
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? 
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
How do you fix a woman's watch? 
You don't. There is a clock on the oven. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Why do men fart more than women? 
Because women can't shut up long enough to 
build up the required pressure. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first? 
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
I married a Miss Right. 
I just didn't know her first name was Always. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes 
a woman's sex drive by 90%. 
It's called a Wedding Cake. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Why do men die before their wives? 
They want to. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Women will never be equal to men? 
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer 
gut, and still think they are sexy. 
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. 
Then God created Man and rested. 
Then God created Woman. 
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------


----------



## Bushkey

Ja swaer


----------



## Bushkey

These are from a book called Disorder
in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and now published
by court reporters.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his s
leep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.


----------



## Bushkey

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one: 

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. 

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. 
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. 

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." 

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" 

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" 

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second." 

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. 

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. 

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. 

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. 
The impact knocked me out cold. 

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. 

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. 
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding. 

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. 

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" 
If they only knew! 

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?


----------



## Bushkey

Virginity Test





Two guys are discussing the intimate angles of one's upcoming wedding in a bar over drinks.



I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not, says the one.



Oh, there's and easy test for that! His buddy replies

All you need is some red paint , some blue paint and a shovel.

You paint one of your balls red and the other one blue.

Then, on your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, those are the funniest balls I've ever seen.



THEN YOU MOER(hit) HER WITH THE SHOVEL…………


----------



## Bushkey

THE GOOD, BAD AND UGLY

Good : Your wife is pregnant. 
Bad : It's triplets. 
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.


Good : Your wife's not talking to you. 
Bad : She wants a divorce. 
Ugly : She's a lawyer.


Good : Your son is finally maturing. 
Bad : He's involved with the women next door. 
Ugly : So are you. 

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room. 
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there. 
Ugly : You're in them.


Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. 
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills. 
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them. 

Good : Your husband understands fashion. 
Bad : He's a cross-dresser. 
Ugly : He looks better than you. 

Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter 
Bad : She keeps interrupting. 
Ugly : With corrections. 

Good : Your son is dating someone new. 
Bad : It's another man. 
Ugly : He's your best friend.


Good : Your daughter got a new job. 
Bad : As a hoooker. 
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients. 
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.


----------



## Bushkey

Ek wil net sê, my sekslewe het merkwaardig verbeter in 2007 .

Almal fok my rond!!


----------



## Bushkey

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish Sandton building,
when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of 
expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph
Lauren,@ R580.

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also
very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, @ R620." 

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and
is about to get off the elevator.

Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, farts,
then says, ... "Koo Baked beans .. R2.50."


----------



## Bushkey

A Spanish teacher

Was explaining to her class
That in Spanish, unlike English, 
Nouns are designated as either
Masculine or feminine.

"House"
For instance,
Is feminine:
"la Casa."

"Pencil,"
However,
Is masculine:
"el lapiz." 

A student asked,
"What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer,
The teacher split the class into two groups,
Male and female,
And asked them to decide
For themselves whether 
"com puter"
Should be
A masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked
To give four reasons
For its recommendation .

The men's group decided that
"computer" 
Should definitely be
Of the feminine gender
("la computadora"),
Because:
1. No one but their creator
Understands their internal logic;

2. The native language
They use to communicate
With other computers is 
Incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes
Are stored in long term memory
For possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make
A commitment to one,
You find yourself spending 
Half your paycheck
On accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!) 

The women's group,
However, concluded
That computers should be Masculine
("el computador"),
Because:
1. In order to do anything 
With them,
You have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data
But still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed
To help you solve problems,
But half the time
They ARE the problem; and 

4. As soon as you commit to one,
You realize that if you
Had waited a little longer,
You could have gotten
A better model.

The women won.


----------



## Bushkey

First Aid in Brakpan 

A woman sitting at a restaurant in Brakpan suddenly began to cough while eating a giant country-fried steak. 

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, 

Two locals at the next table turned to look at her. 

"Kan you like swallow?", asked one. 

The woman signaled 'No', desperately shaking her head. 

"Kan you like breeve?" asked the other. 

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No" 

With that, the first Brakpan dweller walked over to her, lifted up the back of her skirt, yanked down her panties and slowly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack. 

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. 

The man slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another sip of his Klipdrift (brandy) & Coke. His partner said in admiration, 

"Ma se moer, I did heard of that Hind Lick Manoeuver, but I never did saw like anybody done it before!!!!"


----------



## Bushkey

WHY Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. 
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!!!!


----------



## Bushkey

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They got along so well that they decided to go back to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.
He then took off his trousers, and washed his hands again.
The girl had been watching him and said, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, said, "Yes, how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."


One thing led to another, and they made love.
Afterward, the girl said, "You must be a very good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego, said, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"


----------



## Bushkey

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting: 



30% of women think their ass is too fat............ 

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...... 

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.


----------



## Bushkey

n Jong man kom een aand tuis en sy vrou omhels hom en sê " Liefie, ek het goeie nuus. Ek is 'n maand laat. Ek dink ons gaan 'n baba kry! Die dokter het my vandag getoets, maar totdat ons sekerheid kry, mag ons vir niemand sê nie." Die volgende dag lui 'n man van die elektrisieteitsmaatskappy die deurklokkie omdat die paartjie nog nie hul rekening vereffen het nie: "Is u mev. Smit? U is 'n maand laat, weet u?"
"Hoe weet u dit?" stotter die vroutjie. "Wel mevrou, dis in ons lêer." sê die man van die elektrisiteitsmaatskappy. "In julle lêer?" "Ja, mevrou!"
"Wel, ek sal eers vannaand met my man praat." Die aand vertel sy vir haar man van die besoek. Mal van woede storm hy vroeg die volgende oggend na die kantoor van die elektrisiteitsmaatskappy. "Wat gaan hier aan?! Dis in jul lêer dat my vrou 'n maand laat is! Hoe weet julle dit?" skreeu hy. "Bly net kalm." sê die klerk, "dis niks ernstigs nie Al wat jy moet doen is om ons te betaal." "Betaal? En as ek weier?" "Wel, meneer, dan is afsny die enigste opsie." "En wat van my vrou?" "Ek weet nie. Sy sal seker maar 'n kers moet gebruik."


----------



## Bushkey

A man left to go help in the Crusades and decided that his wife should
wear a chastity belt.
So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend. 

He tells him, "If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her
free to live a normal life."

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees
a cloud of dust behind him. 
He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend.

"What's wrong?" He asks.




"You gave me the wrong key."


----------



## Gerhard

SARS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the SARS office. The SARS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. 
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the SARS finds that believable." 
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" 
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand Rand that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. 
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand Rand that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand Rand that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the SARS man's desk. The auditor leap's with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney just moans and puts his head in his hands. 
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. 
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-thousand Rand that he could come in here and piss all over a SARS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."


----------



## Matatazela

*While on the subject of SARS...*

ukey:


----------



## Philip Moolman

*Beskuite*

Twee beskuite stap oor die straat.
n Trok ry een moertoe!
Wat se die ander een?
Kom krummels ek is haastig!


----------



## ciscokid

*Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!** *


----------



## Invictus

A fleeing al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding
through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a
little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a
tie? They are only $5."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not
need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I
must find water first. "

OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger
than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about
two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water
you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."


----------



## Invictus

Dear All,

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year...

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat **** in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same Reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .........

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million with me, for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my everywish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants - even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains and explodes with mentos.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number, for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine, because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the R5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with low IQ (who have infrequent sexual activity) always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse…. And don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!


----------



## Invictus

Mother and her son were flying with kulula.com from Johannesburg to 
Durban. 

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and 
asked, 

'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big 
planes have baby planes?' 

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer told her son to ask the 
stewardess. 

So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big 
cats have baby cats, 

why don't big planes have baby planes?' 



The stewardess responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' 



The boy said, 'Yes she did.' 

'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes, because 
kulula.com always pulls out on time. 
Have your mother explain that to you!


----------



## Invictus

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... 

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? 

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. 

Older Woman: Oh, I see. 

Officer: Can I see your license please? 

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. 

Officer: Don't have one? 

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. 

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 

Older Woman: I can't do that. 

Officer: Why not? 

Older Woman: I stole this car. 

Officer: Stole it? 

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. 

Officer: You what? 

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see 

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. 

Older woman: Is there a problem sir? 

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. 

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? 

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. 

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. 

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? 

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. 

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. 

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. 

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. 

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. 






Don't Mess With Old Ladies


----------



## Bushkey

http://s198.photobucket.com/albums/aa183/Bushkey/?action=view&current=Dog-vs-Shark.flv


----------



## Karoojager

Funny South Africa


----------



## Karoojager

Funny South Africa II


----------



## bowman africa

*Hey there Karoo !!!*

Karoojagter, why do u post this under jokes ?
Al the above are facts, not jokes !

Ha, Ha !!:darkbeer:


----------



## Karoojager

Ups, for my this was funny.:embara::embara::embara: I am surprised that this is the reality:wink:


----------



## bowman africa

The one about the potholes is definately a fact. Why do you think there are so many 4 x 4's in South Africa? It's not for the fun of it, it's to get home with.:wink:


----------



## Matatazela

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.




A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'




A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'




One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'




The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'




A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'




The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'


----------



## Karoojager

A bad day at work :wink:

http://www.orschlurch.de:80/video/mieser-arbeitstag.html


----------



## Pardus

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in California. 

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale 
one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. 

He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different 
about me?" 

Margaret looks him over, "Nope." 

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back 
into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a 
little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" 

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down 
today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again 
tomorrow." 

Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" 

"Nope," she replies. 

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!" 

To which Margaret replies........ 
"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat." 
:icon_1_lol:


----------



## Hoytitoyti

*Pharmacists...*

Man to pharmacist: "Do you have cotton balls?"
Pharmacist: "No! Do I look like a teddy bear?"


----------



## ciscokid

Simple Home Remedies


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be too afraid to cough. 

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache. 

8. Chapped lips? Rub chicken poop on them. It won't ease the chapping, but it will keep you from licking them. 

9. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are. You only need two tools: W D-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. 

And finally ... 

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. One out of every four people suffer from a mental disorder. If you have three friends, and none of them have a problem -- well .... 
you do the math!


----------



## Uncle Kalie

Where would you to find a aircraft egine?.........Nationwide:laugh::laugh:


----------



## Matatazela

For anyone who has ever had an appraisal, remember, it could have been worse. 

These are actual quotes taken from UK Government Employee Performance evaluations. 

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 

2. I would not allow this employee to breed. 

3. This employee is really not so much of a has been, but more of a definite won't be. 

4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 

5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. 

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy 

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 

9. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better. 

10. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 

11. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 

12. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier. 

13. I would like to go hunting with him sometime. 

14. He's been working with glue too much. 

15. He would argue with a signpost. 

16. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room. 

17. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell. 

18. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one. 

19. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 

20. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. 

21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 

22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 

23. He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 

24. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 

25. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. 

26. If you stand close enough to him, you'll hear the ocean. 

27. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 

28. One neuron short of a synapse. 

29. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he's only gargled. 

30. Takes him two hours to watch 60-minutes. 

31. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. 

32. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking


----------



## Matatazela

The New Republic of South Africa Examinations
Western Cape Examination Authority
MATHEMATICS PAPER 1	

Time allowed: Negotiable.
OCTOBER 2006


Examination Instructions

1.	Please, write all answers between the lines.
2.	No part of this examination paper may be rolled and smoked.
3.	No children of students are allowed to participate.
4.	Please leave all firearms in possession of parole officers.
5.	Bribes will be accepted at a minimum of R300.00
6.	If this exam does not match the one that you bought in Advance please notify the examiner.
7.	The shibeen will be open for thirst quenchers during the examination.


QUESTION 1
Philemon has an AK47 with 2 magazines taped together, each holding 75 rounds. If he misses 8 out of 10 shots, how many drive-by taxi shootings can he attempt before having to reload?





QUESTION 2
Phineas has a 12-seater minibus. To avoid discomfort he never carries more than 23 people. Assuming each passenger weighs 85 kg, and piles another 35 kg of luggage on the roof, he drives at 140 km/h and that his brakes are 25% efficient, what would his stopping distance be?

a)	300 m
b)	600 m
c)	10 m, as there is another passenger to pick up.





QUESTION 3
Jacob is employed as a gardener for 1 day a week in 3 Households. Assuming that he can make a lawnmower last for 3 months, how many lawnmowers will the households have to purchase over a period of 2 years?





QUESTION 4
In standard 6, Jackson has made 4 girls in his class pregnant and another 6 from other classes. How many girls will he have made pregnant before he leaves school if he
Matriculates on his 28th birthday?





QUESTION 5
Samuel and his friends, altogether 6 of them, can each drink 35 bottles per day of Black Label before falling over. How many SAB trucks do they need to hijack per year to remain permanently pissed? __________________________________________________________


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

Nice Sharkie.....


----------



## Pardus

*Werklike Sa*

DIE OORSPRONKLIKE LEGENDE 

Lank gelede het 'n mier en 'n sprinkaan saam op dieselfde stuk veld
gewoon.

Gedurende die somer het hierdie mier dag en nag gewerk sodat hy
genoegsame voorraad kon inbring vir die naderende winter. Hy het 
selfs sy huis so ingerig dat hy warm en beskut sou wees gedurende die
lang,koue winter maande.

Intussen het die sprinkaan singend rondgehop en al die gras gevreet
waaraan hy behoefte gehad het. Ook het hy, sodra die drang tot paring 
in hom opgestu het, dit onverwyld met die eerste beste maat bevredig.

Die winter het gekom en daarmee saam die bitter koue wat die gras
laat vrek het. In sy warm huisie het die mier geen tekort gehad nie, 
terwyl die sprinkaan - wat hom nie op die winter voorberei het nie - van
honger en ontbering omgekom, en 'n horde klein sprinkaantjies sonder
kos of skuiling agter gelaat.

Die legende leer mens dus om hard te werk sodat jy vir jouself en jou 
kroos kansorg.


DIE SUID AFRIKAANSE WEERGAWE

Die eerste deel van die storie is dieselfde, maar omdat dit in
Suid-Afrika afspeel eindig dit nie daar nie................

Die verhongerde, verkluimde nasaat van die sprinkaan wil weet hoekom
die mier toegelaat word om warm en gevoed te wees terwyl hulle reg
langsaan in die aller haglikste omstandighede sonder kos en klere 
moet leef.

'n Televisie-span maak hulle opwagting en beeldsend tonele van die
Mier in sy gemaklike huis met 'n spens vol kos - en die wereld is stom
geslaan.

"Hoe is dit moontlik?" vra hulle. "Moontlik vir die mier om in soveel 
weelde in hierdie lieflike omgewing te bly, terwyl die arme sprinkane
so ly?"

In 'n oogwink is SASU - die Suid Afrikaanse Sprinkaan Unie - gestig.
Hulle kla die mier aan van "spesie diskriminasie" en beweer dat die 
Sprinkane slagoffers is van 30 miljoen jaar se groen onderdrukking.

Hulle loods 'n protesoptog voor die mier se huis en breek omtrent die
hele straat af. Tydens 'n Televisie-onderhoud sê hulle almal dat 
indien daar nie gehoor gegee word aan hulle eise nie, hulle gedwing sal wees
tot kriminele lewens. Net vir oefening steel hulle een van die TV-span se
bagasie, vermoor die bestuurder en kaap die span se voertuig. 

Die GHK - Gryp en Herverdeel Kommissie - regverdig hierdie gedrag deur
te se dat dit die nalatenskap is van die mier se diskriminasie teenoor-
en onderdrukking van die sprinkane. Hulle eis dat die miere die Sprinkane 
om verskoning vra vir alles wat hulle, hulle aangedoen het en dat hulle
die sprinkane moet vergoed vir alles wat nog ooit deur die geskiedenis
heen aan 'n sprinkaan gedoen is.

GATSAK - Goed Aardiges Teen Sprinkaan Afknouing en Kastyding - 
Verklaar dat hulle 'n heilige oorlog teen miere begin.

Die President verskyn op die agt uur nuus en se dat hy alles in sy vermoe
gaan doen vir die sprinkane. Die sprinkane wat hulle verdiende welvaart 
ontneem is deur diegene wat onregmatig bevoordeel is gedurende die somer.

Die Regering plaas EEVA - Ekonomiese Egalisasie Van Agtergeblewenes -
Op die wetboeke, terugwerkend tot aan die begin van die somer. Die mier 
word beboet omdat hy nie genoegsaam groen insekte in sy diens het nie,
en omdat hy niks oor het om sy agterstallige belastings mee te betaal nie,
vat die Staat sy huis vir her-verdeling.

Die verhaal eindig waar die sprinkaan wegle aan die laaste bietjie van die
mier se voedsel terwyl die Staatshuis waain hy bly - wat net toevallig die
mier se gewese tuiste is - rondom hom inmekaar val omdat hy nie weet hoe 
om dit in stand te hou nie, en eerlikwaar ook glad nie omgee nie.

Op die TV - wat hy en 'n paar van sy vriende van 'n ander mier gesteel het
- sien die sprinkaan die President voor 'n klomp Wilde dansende en luid 
singende sprinkane staan en aankondig dat 'n nuwe era van "gelykheid" op
die veld aangebreek het.

Intussen word die mier nie toegelaat om te werk nie, want hy is Histories
deur die veld bevoordeel. In sy plek is tien sprinkane aangestel drie in
baie senior posisies met byvoordele - om die Gras in te samel voor die
winter. Maar dit lyk asof dit nie die verlangde resultate lewer nie, want 
die sprinkane werk net twee ure per dag net op die dae waarop hulle opdaag
vir werk - en steel dan die helfte van alles wat hulle in daardie tyd
geoes het.

Dan is dit weer winter, en te min Gras is ge-oes. En die sprinkane staak 
en eis 'n 150% loon-verhoging sodat hulle kos kan koop. Kos wat nou
ingevoer moet word omdat die sprinkane nie genoegsame voedsel op hulle eie
veld kan produseer nie.

Die mier pak sy tassies en emigreer na 'n ander veld toe waar hy 'n hoogs 
suksesvolle voedselmaatskappy begin en 'n miljoener word deur kos uit te
voer na sy ou veld toe.

:killpain:


----------



## Invictus

THE "NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE" BRIGADE HAS A LOT TO ANSWER TO SIPHO !!! 


Sipho gets married and on his wedding night he calls his Father for some tips on what to do, since he has never been with a woman before. 
"So what do I do first?" 

His father: "Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed." 5 minutes later Sipho's on the phone again. "She's naked and in bed, what do I do now?" 
His father can't believe what he is hearing, "Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her ." 

After another 5 minutes poor Sipho is on the phone again. "Dad, I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?" His dad's patience is now running thin so he says, "Sh$t son, do I have to spell everything out for you? 

Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees. Good night!!!" 
Just when the old man starts snoring, His son is on the phone once again. 


"Ok Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do next?" 
"DROWN YOURSELF YOU BLOODY IDIOT!"


----------



## Karoojager

What you can do against a annoying neighbour in a airplane ?

If you have a annoying neighbour follow this instructions :

1. Open slowly and peaceful you laptop bag
2. Take out you laptop
3. Switch him on
4. Be sure that you neighbour is spotting you
5. Close you eyes, move you head upward to the sky and move you lips like you are praying
6. Then make a click at this link : http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf


----------



## sdpeb1

*tatto*

Bills wife has been begging him to let her get a tatto. After months of begging he finally goes along with it but stipulated it must be in a spot that no one can see it in public, and it has to be inexpensive. So after giving alot of consideration she decides to have the intitials of hers and her husbands first name tatooed on her butt. Her name is Betty,so she has a B put on one cheek and B for Bill in the other. When she get's home her husband ask to see the tatoo, so she drops her pants and pulls down her panties and bends over. To which her husband yells out " who the heck is BoB??!!!!


----------



## bowman africa

*Tattoo*

My girlfriend has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean...
:darkbeer:


----------



## Karoojager

bowman africa said:


> My girlfriend has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean...
> :darkbeer:


Nice tattoo, I can smell only dead old fish


----------



## Florida Flower

Karoojager said:


> Nice tattoo, I can smell only dead old fish


Hi all

Happy New Year

Frank bist Du nun schon Rentner? ausgewandert?

BTW :ich empfehle Hals-Nasen-Ohrenarzt!:wink:

CU
KvL


----------



## sdpeb1

*joke*

Two government engineers are standing next to a flag pole looking up. A woman walks up and asks them what they are doing. One engineer replies" we need to find the heigth of the pole but we don't have a ladder" The woman digs in her purse and pulls out a wrench, unbolts the base of the pole, lays it down, gets in her purse, pulls out a tape measure and measures the the pole. She tells them" 16ft 10in." and walks off. The two gov't engineers start laughing and one says to the other" just like a woman, you ask her for the heigth and she gives you the length."


----------



## Matatazela

We were the victims of load shedding today. Again.


----------



## Uncle Kalie

*Old Chuck*

Chuck Norris and Two cowboys are sitting around a campfire. The youngest 
cowboy says, "Last week, a mammoth bull gored 10 men on the range, but I 
stepped in and wrestled it to the ground with nothing but my bare 
hands." 



Not wanting to be outdone, the second cowboy says, "That's nothing. Two 
days ago, I was attacked by a 10-foot rattler, but I caught it in 
mid-strike and ripped off its head with my teeth." 



Chuck just sat there quietly, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.


----------



## Invictus

Satan visits Cape Town and meets Gatiep.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Nay", says Gatiep, "gie my a hint"

Satan says, "I am the prince of darkness"

"F*k it" says Gatiep, "djy's mos die CEO van Eskom"


----------



## Invictus

Wiskunde vraestelle deur die jare: 

* Wiskunde 1980: 
'n Boer verkoop 'n bakkievrag vol brandhout vir R100. Sy
produksie-koste is 4/5 van die prys.
Wat is sy profyt?

* Wiskunde 1985:
'n Boer verkoop 'n bakkievrag vol brandhout vir R100. Sy uitgawes is 
4/5 van die bedrag, of R80. 
Wat is sy profyt?

* Wiskunde 1990: 
'n Boer verkoop 'n bakkievrag vol brandhout vir R100. Sy uitgawes is
R80.
Het hy 'n profyt gemaak? 

* Wiskunde 1995: 
'n Boer verkoop 'n bakkievrag vol brandhout vir R100. Sy uitgawes is 
R80 en sy profyt is R20.
Opdrag: Onderstreep die syfer 20.

* Wiskunde 2006: 
'n Boer kap 'n pragtige woud af sodat hy 'n profyt van R20 kan maak. 
Voordat hy dit egter kan verkoop, word hy geskiet en sy bakkie 
gekaap.
Die kaper verkoop die hout vir R50 en die boer se bakkie vir R800 en
maak dus 'n wins van slegs R850. 
Opdrag: Verduidelik hoekom dit Apartheid se skuld is.


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUS! BAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "BUGGER."


----------



## CJKOLCUN

ttt


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

This is for James & Engee...

1. go to http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/
u will see a box and girl... wait until the blank block shows up for input.

2. 1st block enter ur name

3. 2nd block enter ur nickname (leave 3rd and 4th block empty)

4. click "vizualizar" and see what happen

NB: Requires Flash Player


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an
"Australian treasure!"General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio
recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him
concerning guns and children.Regardless of how you feel about gun laws
you gotta love this!This is one of the best comeback lines of all
time.It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster
and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop
visiting
his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery
and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWERon't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm..
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.


----------



## Karoojager

Drenalinjunkie8 said:


> This is for James & Engee...
> 
> 1. go to http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/
> u will see a box and girl... wait until the blank block shows up for input.
> 
> 2. 1st block enter ur name
> 
> 3. 2nd block enter ur nickname (leave 3rd and 4th block empty)
> 
> 4. click "vizualizar" and see what happen
> 
> NB: Requires Flash Player


Juuuhuu, nice gag.
First I thought this is a gag for me as a slow German, but then came the punch line 

Well done Drenalinjunkie8


----------



## Matatazela

Drenalinjunkie8 said:


> This is for James & Engee...
> 
> 1. go to http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/
> u will see a box and girl... wait until the blank block shows up for input.
> 
> 2. 1st block enter ur name
> 
> 3. 2nd block enter ur nickname (leave 3rd and 4th block empty)
> 
> 4. click "vizualizar" and see what happen
> 
> NB: Requires Flash Player


Eish! That is all I can say! :mg:


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

James,

Now which one did you like the most??? I hope the 1st tatoo...........


----------



## Matatazela

Drenalinjunkie8 said:


> James,
> 
> Now which one did you like the most??? I hope the 1st tatoo...........


Can I plead the 5th on that??? Just in case wife ever reads this post... (of course, in theory, should I ever answer your question, of course it's the first one!)


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

A love story in 3 pictures.


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

2


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

3


----------



## bowman africa

She's only showing the size of his brain......


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

Men generally think with the smaller one....:wink:


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

This aired on Sydney radio last month... 
It got the whole of Sydney laughing.
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same = three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'


Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this = morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.'
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow.]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch
tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure.. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect h is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?


Sarah: 'Up the arse......'

Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much, and I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. 



FOR EXAMPLE: 

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." 



I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" 


So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" 



Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. 



The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. 



Let me tell you...she was so excited! She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck! I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, Honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear. Let's go to the cashier." 



I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like it." 



Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?!" 



I then said, "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" 



Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.


----------



## Invictus

Why woman shouldn't make men go shopping 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After Mr. & Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. 
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring & preferred to get in & get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton loved to browse.
One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may
be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares.
Get on it right away.' 
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department & told other shoppers he'd 
Invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and 
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera &
used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a 
fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least ....
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here!'


----------



## Skirt

*Very Funny Joke*

The guy asks the sexy blonde to marry him. She is sceptical because they only met the previous week. He says, "don't worry, we'll get to know each other as we go along". She agrees, they marry and go to a nice resort for their honeymoon. Two days into the honeymoon they are next to the pool. He gets up onto the diving board and does a triple back flip with a double pike and slices the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations of his skills he lies down next to her. "I didn't know you could do that" she exclaims. "I was an olympic high board champion for 8 years" he says. "Told you we will get to know each other as we go along". A bit later she gets up and starts swimming lengths. After 75 lengths she gets out, lies next to him, not out of breath at all. "Good heavens", he says, "were you an olympic endurance swimmer?" "Not at all", she purrs, "I was a prostitute in Van der Bijl Park and worked both sides of the Vaal Dam".


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

An interesting reflection on, and a wake-up call for, social and
political organization in the cultures of Africa , published in the
Nigerian Daily Trust newspaper.
.

Posted to the web 25 October 2007

I Agree with Dr Watson - by Idang Alibi
A few days ago, the Nobel Laureate, Dr James Watson, made a remark that
is now generating worldwide uproar, especially among the blacks.
He said what to me looks like a self-evident truth. He told The Sunday
Times of London in an interview that in his humble opinion, black people
are less intelligent than the White people.

Since then, some of us cannot hear anything else but the outrage of
black people who feel demeaned by what Watson has said. So many people
have called the man names. To be expected, some have said he is a
racist. Some even wonder how a "foolish" man like Watson could have won
the Nobel Prize. Even white people who, deep in their heart, agree with
Watson want to be politically, correct so they condemn the man. 
Why are we blacks becoming so reactive, so sensitive to any remarks, no
matter how well-meaning, about our failure as a race? 
I do not know what constitutes intelligence. I leave that
to our so-called scholars. But I do know that in terms of organising
society for the benefit of the people living in it, we blacks have not
shown any intelligence in that direction at all. I am so ashamed of this
and sometimes feel that I ought to have belonged to another race. 
Nigeria my dear country is a prime example of the inferiority of the
black race when compared to other races. Let somebody please tell me
whether it is a manifestation of intelligence if a people cannot
organise a free, fair and credible election to choose who will lead
them. Is it intelligence that we cannot provide simple pipe-borne water
for the people? Our public school system has virtually collapsed. Is
that a sign of intelligence? Our roads are impassable. In spite of the
numerous sources that nature has made available to us to tap for energy
to run our industries and homes, we have no steady supply of
electricity. Yet electricity is the bedrock of industrialisation. When
you agree with the school of Watson , some say you are incorrect because
all these failures are a result of poor leadership. Why must it be us
blacks who must always suffer poor leadership? Is that not a
manifestation of unintelligence? 
In the name of international trade, bilateral co-operation,
globalisation and other subterfuges, the norm in the world today is for
smart people to appropriate the wealth of other people for themselves
and their countries. But more among the blacks than any other race, the
practice is to steal from their own country and salt away to other
people's country. Is it intelligence that our leaders steal billions of
naira and hide in other people's country? 
Anywhere in the world today where you have a concentration of black
people among other races, the poorest, the least educated, the least
achieving, and the most violent group among those races will be the
blacks. When indices of underdevelopment are given, black people and
countries are sure to occupy the bottom of the ladder. If we are
intelligent, why do we not carry first when statistics of development
are given? 
Look at the African continent. South Africa is the most developed
country because of the presence of whites there. This may be an
uncomfortable truth for many of us but it exists nevertheless. If the
whites had been driven away after independence, we would have seen a
steady decline of that country. 

In terms of natural endowment, Africa ought to be the richest of the
continents but see the mess we have made of the potential for greatness
which God in his infinite wisdom has bestowed upon us. We have proved
totally incapable of harnessing the abundant natural resources to become
great. Today, there is a renewed scramble for the wealth of Africa .
China, our new "friend", does not bother about the genocide against
fellow blacks in the Sudan by the Arabs who control the affairs of that
country. They say they do not want to interfere in the internal affairs
of any country. All they want is the oil in Sudan to run their
industries. Yet, we blacks have not seen the Chinese action as an
affront to our sensitivities. Every race takes us for granted because we
are so weak and so foolish, if you permit me to say it. 

I am really pained by our gross underachievement as a race. Instead of
regarding bitter truths expressed by the likes of Watson as a wake-up
call for us to engage in sober reflection, we take to the expression of
woolly sentiment. For me, this type of reaction is a further evidence of
our unintelligence. A man of intelligence recognises genuine criticism
against him and takes steps to improve himself in order to prove his
critics wrong. But for us blacks, our reaction is to abuse the man who
expresses worries about our backwardness. 
Other races are deeply worried about us because we are a problem to the
world. We suffer from the five Ds: disorderliness, debts, diseases,
deaths and disasters. Our disorderliness affects others or else they
won't be too bothered about us. Many are afraid because our diseases
could infect them. Polio has been eradicated all over the world yet it
is still found in Nigeria here. When they give us money to help us
eradicate it, our thieving officials will embezzle the money; the virus
will spread and endanger the health of not only our people but other
people as well. 

Out of a shared sense of humanity, some cannot bear to see how we die in
thousands almost every day from clearly preventable diseases and causes.
For years now, our people die extremely painful but perfectly
preventable deaths from buildings which collapse because they were
poorly constructed. How can you tell me we are as intelligent as others
when we set traps for ourselves in the name of houses and others do not
do so? Some people are extremely frustrated about us. If they have a way
of avoiding us, they will be too glad to do so because we are a problem.

As I write this, I do so with great pains in my heart because I know
that God has given intelligence in equal measure to all his children
irrespective of the colour of their skin. The problem with us black
people is that we have refused to use our intelligence to organise
ourselves socially and politically. 
It should worry us that we do not invent things. We do not go to the
moon. Our societies are not well-organised. We have the shortest
lifespan of all the races. Something must be wrong with us. Why are we
not like others? Our scholars will be quick to say that these are not
the only ways of measuring intelligence. They will quote other scholars
to adumbrate their point, but the fact remains that we are not showing
intelligence. Others are showing it more than we're doing. If they are
not more intelligent than we are, let someone tell me how to put it. God
himself must be frustrated with his black children. They must be an
embarrassment to him. He has given us everything he has given to other
of his children; why are his black children not manifesting their own
gift? 
A few years ago, the whites used to contemptuously call the Japanese
"little Japs". Today, the Japanese and other Asians have pulled
themselves up by the bootstrap and have arrived. No one speaks of the
Japanese or Asians with contempt anymore. When people like Watson speak
about us in unedifying terms, we should take it as a challenge to prove
them wrong by sitting down to plan how we can become world-beaters. 
If our political leaders are the reason for our backwardness, we should
resolve to get the kind of leaders who will be instrument for our rapid
progress. I may not know how intelligence is measured but my limited
knowledge of intelligence is that it can also be measured by the kind of
leaders a people decide to have. If, for instance, our professors
preside over the massive rigging of elections, it means that we do not
have very intelligent professors. Such rigged elections will no doubt
produce unintelligent leaders. Such unintelligent leaders will do stupid
things which will prove that we are not as intelligent as other races.
Do I sound confusing or intelligent? 
I am ready for some of our 'patriotic' intellectuals who will write and
abuse me for the 'outrage' I have expressed here but I stick to my guns:
we lack intelligence and as stated in the Bible, anyone who lacks
intelligence should cry unto God who is the custodian of wisdom to
bestow some upon him. We should go on our knees today and ask God why we
do not appear as intelligent as our other brothers. I am confident God
will reveal to us what we must do, and urgently too, to change our
terribly unflattering circumstances.


----------



## Matatazela

Okay DJ - this is for jokes, not facts... 

I did a Google on this and it is fact. I couldn't believe it when I first read it!


----------



## Matatazela

*The sensitive man*

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him. 

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. 

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in
the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'


----------



## Matatazela

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. 

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 

'No,' she replies. . . You just happened to catch my eye.'


----------



## Matatazela

Seen on the back of a honeysucker (the trucks used to clear septic tanks)...

































*WARNING: MAY CONTAIN POLITICAL PROMISES!*


----------



## sdpeb1

*bad day*

A guy is walking in the park and notices this guy hugging this tree and he has his one ear pressed against it, so he walks up and ask him what he is doing and the guy replies he is listening to the tree talk. Well the onlooker says "ya right" no really if you listen real hard you can hear it speak the hugger replies. So the onlooker figures what the heck and asks if he can give it try and as soon as he puts his hands around the tree the guy slaps on a pair of handcuffs on him, and steals everything he has and strips him of all his clothes. A little later another guy comes by and asks what he's doing, so the guy tells him how he got suckered into being robbed, the other guy leans over and gives him a kiss on the neck and whispers in his ear, Mr today just ain't your day.


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

There was a case in a Hospital's ICU, where patients always died in
the same bed, every Sunday morning at 11am - regardless of their medical
condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that
particular bed was the work of the Devil... as to why the deaths at
11am on Sunday mornings?

A world-wide team of experts were constituted and they decided to go
down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the
next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11, all doctors and nurses
nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible
phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer
books and other holy objects to ward off any evil spirits... Just then the
clock struck 11 and............

In walked Sipho (the part-time Sunday cleaner). He entered the ward
and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum
cleaner.


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful
and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they
stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them. 
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did
not want to ruin them. 
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a
ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their
business they proceeded to go home. 
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,so he phoned the other
husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! 
I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck
to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never
forget you.'


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him 
in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or 
to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear
all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says 
"Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw;
she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has 
revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt
with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front 
door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for
Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into
the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: 

"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called TheTwist!"


----------



## Matatazela

*For the weekend.*

Take it easy, guys. You could end up in a poster like this...


----------



## INGOZI

Bliksem James, daai laaste een sal my vir ewig van bier afsit!!!


----------



## Skirt

Medical School joke very funny :teeth::teeth::teeth:

Here is a good old Germiston joke:

A woman is sitting in a steakhouse in Germiston eating a very large, very well-done steak. A piece gets stuck in her throat and she jumps up trying to attract someones attention to the fact that she is choking. Two okes at the next table asks her if she is OK. She is panicking and shakes her head indicating no. One oke gets up and saunters over to her, lifts her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her between her butt from the bottom up to the top and down again. She gets such a fright that she coughs and spits the piece of steak across the floor. The oke saunters back to his table and takes a big gulp of his Klippies & coke. His friend is in awe and says: "Hey boet, I've heard of the hind lick manoeuvre but this is the first time I've ever seen it done!"


----------



## Matatazela

*Africa - pics say a thousand words...*

Ex Africa semper aliquid novi :sad:


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as 
different emotions e.g. fear etc. 

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the 
door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted 
on his chest. 

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" 

And the guy says," I'm green with NV". 

The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink." 

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to 
see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped 
around her most intimate parts. 

He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you Come as?" 

She replies, "I'm tickled pink." 

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party. 

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, And the 
host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, Paddy standing stark naked with his knob in a bowl of custard, and Mick with his knob stuck in a pear. 

The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the heck are you two 
doing? You could get arrested standing out there in the street like 
that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!" 

Paddy replied, "Well, Oim fokin discustard, and Mick here has just come in dispair!


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

President Mbeki meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any
tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Mbeki frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair i n here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and Father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister.

Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back in Cape town, President Mbeki asks to speak with vice president Zuma.
"Answer this for me. Your mother and your Father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Zuma. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Zuma goes to his advisors and asks everyone, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up at the V&A Waterfront and bumps into
Evita Bezuidenhuit. Zuma looks around to see if anyone can overhear them whisper,
"Evita! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Evita whispers back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Zuma smiles and says "Thanks!"

Zuma goes back to Parliament to speak with Pres Mbeki. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
It's Evita Bezuidenhout."

Mbeki gets up, stomps over to Zuma, and angrily yells into his face,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!


----------



## Drenalinjunkie8

Why do hunters make the best lovers? 



Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.


----------



## Bushhat

*SITBOK Biltong...*

Ever heard of a sitbok?

I read a story that happened just after the Anglo-Boer war.Old Jan one of the ex Kommandos who fought the English during the war,returns to his farm to start farming.His crops and life stock grew well.Just before harvest time the baboons damaged his crops,stole chicken eggs etc...(The baboon population grew while Jan was at war.)But Jan 'n Boer,hy maak 'n plan.You see a baboon can not count more than four,so Jan and four other boere go in the kopje,Jan hid away and the other boere left again.The plan worked,the baboons not know where the shooting came from were well shot dead.A boer can pick off a baboon with ease about 200yds with his Mauser.The remaining baboons well fled.

Soon crops and life stock grew well again.Well soon also a bigger population of baboons arrived.Jan had a new plan,he left his crop to the baboons.Kept a few cattle for the farm.

The British solders at the time grew fond of biltong,it was tastier that their rations,lighter to carry.So Jan started selling his biltong to the English,as Oom Jan se Sitbok Biltong.Busness grew well,the English loved the biltong.

Soon the English officers wanted to hunt the sitbok themselves,but Jan wouldn't take anyone to hunt the sitbok.The English came to realise no one had ever seen still not heard of a sitbok.Well Jan he came a wealthy man.


----------



## Invictus

Gesondheid - Die antwoorde op jou vrae (die wat jy wil hoor) 

V: Ek hoor kardiovaskulêre oefening is goed vir 'n mens, is dit waar?
A: Jou hart is slegs gebou om soveel maal te klop, en dan's dit alles oor...Moenie dit op oefening vermors nie. Enige orgaan raak uiteindelik uitgeput. As jy dit vinniger laat klop sal dit jou nie langer laat leef nie; dis so goed as om te sê dat jy jou kar se leeftyd kan verleng deur hom vinniger te ry. Wil jy langer leef? Gaan dut so 'n bietjie. 

V: Moet ek minder vleis eet en meer vrugte en groente?
A: Jy verstaan nie die beginsel van logistieke doeltreffendheid nie. Wat eet 'n bees? Gras en hooi endiesmeer, wat groentes is. Dus is 'n lekker stuk steak niks anders as 'n doeltreffende manier om groente in jou stelsel te kry. Wil jy groente hê? Eet hoender. Bief is ook 'n goeie bron van vesels aangesien gras vol daarvan is. 'n Varktjoppie kan ook help om te verseker dat jy 100% van jou daaglikse aanbevole dosis groente inkry. 

V: Moet ek my alkoholinname verminder?
A: Nee geensins nie. Wyn is van vrugte gemaak. Brandewyn is gedistilleerde wyn, wat beteken dat hulle die water uit die vrugtige deel verwyder sodat daar soveel meer van die voedingswaarde oorbly. Bier word ook van graan gemaak. Hou die blinkkant bo! 

V: Hoe kan ek my liggaam/vet verhouding bereken?
A: Wel as jy 'n liggaam het en jy het vet is jou verhouding een tot een. As jy twee liggame het, sal jou verhouding twee tot een wees ensovoorts.

V: Wat is die voordele daarvan om aan 'n gereelde oefenprogram deel te neem?
A: Kan nie aan 'n enkele voordeel dink nie, jammer. My filosofie is hoe minder pyn hoe beter! 

V: Is gebraaide kosse nie slegs vir jou nie?
A: JY LUISTER NIE!!!!. Kosse word in plantolies gebraai deesdae. Om die waarheid te sê hulle is deurdrenk daarmee. Hoe kan dit sleg vir jou wees as jy nog meer groente inkry?

V: Is sjokolade sleg vir my?
A: Is jy laf? HELLO. Kakao bone! Nog 'n groentesoort!!! Dit is die beste gesonde lekkerny ooit!

V: Is swem goed vir my figuur?
A: Het jy al 'n walvis gesien?

Wel ek hoop dit sal al die alledaagse mistastings oor voedsels en diëte opklaar.


En onthou:

Die lewe is nie 'n reis na die graf met die doel om veilig in 'n aantreklike en goed gepreserveerde karkas daar aan te kom nie, jy moet eerder met jou gat daarin skuur - met 'n Chardonnay in die een hand - sjokolade in die ander - liggaam goed opgebruik terwyl jy hardop skree: "Jie ha, dit was nou vir jou 'n bakgat trippie!"


----------



## Skirt

BULLFROGS & [email protected] JOBS

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been trained to give [email protected]!'

'[email protected] jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more [email protected] jobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off! .

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'


----------



## Nameless Hunter

*Going Wrong...*

TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE.

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'


----------



## Invictus

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS 
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination
and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the 
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" 

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door 
and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway." 

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN 
SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER


----------



## Karoojager

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, 
looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus is watching 
you.' 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. 
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. 
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear 
as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the 
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight 
beam came to rest on a parrot. 

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you 
that Jesus is watching you.' 
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 
'Moses,' replied the bird. 

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird 
Moses?' 



'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'


----------



## Pardus

*Just in AFRICA*

Zulu guy was invited 2 a Bring & Braai party !!!!!


I dont neeed to say anyting more!!!


----------



## mathews1

*sumbich*

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he 
wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies 
and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only 
******* in the neighborhood. He held the party around 
the pool in the backyard of his mansion. 

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating 
shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the 
women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I 
have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give 
a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump 
in." The words were barely out of his mouth when 
there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and 
saw Leroy in the pool! 

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! 
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his 
thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, 
biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator 
through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. 
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. both 
Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. 

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to 
the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly 
climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring 
at him in disbelief. 

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe 
you a million dollars," 

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. 

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. 
You won the bet. How about half a million bucks 
then?" 

"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy. 

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you 
something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche 
and a Rolex and some stock options?" 

Again Leroy said no. 

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what 
do you want?" 

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed 
me in the pool!"


----------



## Invictus

An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. 

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. 

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. 

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also. 

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. 

'Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber. 

There is a few moments silence than one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 

'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse....'


----------



## drewbie8

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None that B**** can cook in the dark


----------



## husky

*Age a beauty!!*

Elderly couple went to town. While doin shoping the Husband bought 2 Viagra tabs and make use of them straight away. On their way home the wife started caughing and says: "Padda in die keel"(frog in throught), and the Husband replies:"You better make sure its on the right place when we get home!!


----------



## target44

bowman africa said:


> How do you get a man to wash his hands after taking a peee?
> 
> 
> View attachment 311921


LOL that has to be my favorite, where did you find that one? Just sent that pic to 4 of my good friends they will get a kick out of it . Here is a good one I found on a Viagra site, they have a funny prank section that has a few good pranks and pics.

Athletes using Viagra to boost there performance LOL:


----------



## nimrod-100

Poker Player 

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. 

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.' 

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. 

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. 

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. 

Jim quickly dressed and left... 

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?' 

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?' 

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.' 

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.' 

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player !


----------



## browndiamond

ttt


----------

